Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Set Back

Severe depression over the weekend.  Let me describe the pain: It's like life is worthless, there's no point in going on, that I'll never achieve my goals, that even if I do it will be hollow and unenjoyable, that I'm totally alone and isolated.  Well that last part is objectively true, though I did try making phone calls to my friend Mike B. who was down in LA.  He works for Gencon and was taking in the gala Star Wars celebration.  He has the career and the luck we all dream about. 

But back to me...

So I look within to see if there's any cause for the pain.  Is there anything causing it?  And the result of my introspection?  Zip, nada, nothing.  So, intellectually I have to tell myself that it will pass.  So what got me there?  I started to obsess about what kind of car I needed to purchase when my T-Bird finally has to be replaced.  What would it be?  A diesel or a hybrid?  I wouldn't get another gas-powered vehicle.  Not right for the planet.  And I want to do everything I can to reduce the US dependency on foreign oil.

So I was down to three choices: a Ford Escape Hybrid, a Jeep Liberty Diesel, and the car I really, really want: the Mercedes Benz M 320 CDI (diesel).  Unfortunately, I could have both the Ford Escape and the Jeep Liberty for what it would cost to purchase the Benz.  My mind just went around in circles--like the maelstrom in Pirates of the Caribbean. 

Or, I could just try to get along without a car.  Ain't that a concept? 

I could save probably $300 a month if I didn't have a car.  And the bird spends most of its time garaged. 

But the real source of the pain--it must be bio/chemical.  How can it be anything but?  These are not issues of dire concern.  Not like a horrible medical condition or the death of a loved one.  But just feelings of personal worthlessness and isolation. 

Not all alone time is bad.  As a writer I have to spend a lot of time alone.  Solitude=good.  Isolation (hiding out)=bad.

Thus I am forced in the end to use my brain.  If I cannot control these feelings, where they come from, nor how to put them aside, then I must convince myself that it is a temporary situation.  They will pass.  And that gets me through. 

I'm feeling much better today, for which I amgreatly relieved. 

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