Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Something's Afoot

Something's stirring deep within. Awareness is creeping down into the cracks and crevasses of my psyche to affect my subconscious with the understanding that I am being, and have been for the past two years, somewhat self-destructive and self defeating. This is probably due to minimalist treatment I have sought for my depression, but I also believe that I'm lazy by nature. My parents tried to amend that character flaw by forcing me to work at jobs ranging from paper delivery, lawn mowing, grocery store stock boy, cheese factory drudge, etc. All the while I really wanted to retreat into my own head. This is the focus of my extremely quiet life now. However, in the past year, I have retreated farther. In 2009 I spend 2000 hours playing World of Warcraft and elevated three different characters to 80th Level. That's the equivalent of a full-time job. I don't begrudge the time, except I didn't get any writing done. Writing is hard because, unlike a videogame, you can't go to that inner place where you feel warm and comfortable and insulated from the outside. Writing is painful self-examination. There's nothing I like better than to lay in my bed, watching a tv episode (on DVD, so there's no commercials) and playing solitaire or bejeweled on my laptop. I don't have to think about anything. But nothing gets done, either.

I'm now feeling a new need to lose weight, get organized and work harder at making my hopes and goals a reality. This is good news. And with it comes energy. I'm excited! I've re-cathected with my apartment, which I'd fallen out of love with. Perhaps this coincides with more sunshine and warmer weather. That's probably part of the process.

1 comment:

Steve Will said...

The first step - recognition.

Seriously, though you don't want to make excuses, your last 18 months have been challenging, and would have been for anyone. That your personality chose to hunker down is not surprising. Hidden between your lines is this: there are far better, and far worse, things you could have done with that time.

I'm glad you've been able to stay somewhat connected, and it's great you've been writing again -- even if only blogs. Now that you're getting energy, I'm here to cheer you on.